Broken

broken chipIt’s always good to be reminded how broken we really are. Man is so broken its beyond belief. I know we all get to that point of facing that brokeness and we all react differently when we reach that point. With out the Spirit to hold us together and lift us up we are ultimately doomed to loath that brokeness till it consumes us. Thats why I want to share my brokeness. In hopes that others will recognize that time it happens and see that the only way to survive that is to look to our loving God.

This is a little trip in to my past and in to my soul through the lyrics of a song that I have loved since before it made sense to me. Lyrics are in italics and follow down the page in order as they are in the song with my notes in between.

I have been scarred so deep by life and cold despair,

Who hasnt really? Who doesnt wish they could take back the sex they’ve had over and over with some one not their wife. Who doesnt wish they’d been able to tell that loved one one more time that they loved them? I’m not sure I ever told Jason that I loved him. My best friend. My mentor. J I pray that you can hear and see me regardless of which side of eternity you ended up on. I love you friend. One of an endless string of things I wish I could say and change.

and brittle bones were broken far beyond repair.

To every friend I’ve lost and hurt.

I have leveled lies so deep, the truth may never find.

How many times have I lied? I can’t count them and I can’t go back and tell the truth. How many lies to I try to maintain that may never see the light of day before men? I’ve drank, had sex and played video games. lieing to my self about what would fill the void I felt. Lies so deep it seemed truth could never find them. Could never penetrate them.

And inside my faithless heart, I stole things never mine.

Every women I’ve desired and lusted after. Every thing my friends and others had that I wanted. Every item I’ve physically stolen. I hate these things I do but I continue to do them.

If mercy falls upon the broken and poor, Dear Father,

I will see you, there on distant shores.

I get two things from this lyric. A sense that no matter how bad I think things are I’m neither as broken or as poor as others out there. This makes me broken and poor in a non-litteral way. This makes me shallow and loveless. Things that I am and always will be as long as I’m cursed with this sinful body and heart. I also get a sense that relief is on the way. That I am broke and I am poor especially in the spiritual sense and that if there is mercy that being able to see him waiting there on the shores of Heaven for us is going to be such a relief. I want that day so badly.

I have toiled for countless years, and ever felt the cost,

Most of us fight and fight and fight the things of this world and never seem to win. Even today as a believer in Jesus the one true God I still toil and feel that cost. I feel that every day is a struggle. Every day is tiring. Every thing I do that is of my own accord is wasted and pointless.

and I’ve been burned by this world’s cold,

like leaves beneath the frost.

Burned by the cold. Who hasn’t had that sensation? When it’s so cold it burns. When it hurts to move. When the world seems cold and lonely and it hurts to try to do anything, to love any one, to make an effort.

On my knees I’ve crawled to you, bleeding myself dry,

Its where we have to come to most of the time to realize we need help. Drained. Emptied. Ready to give up. Humbled and hurting. I’ve tried to finish the bleeding process. To end the pain by litterally ending the pain permenantly. I’ve tried to jump from moving cars. To walk unprotected in the elements hoping they would swallow me up. I’ve tried to end it all.

But the price of life is more, then I could ever buy.

But this life I’ve found. This hope I have. For those who might read this and know what I’m talking about. Know where I’ve been. I couldn’t be like this on my own. Nothing I could do could have brought me from that place of utter darkness, fear and self loathing. I couldn’t pay a large enough price to make this life worth living. There was no life for me of my own accord and so I was ready to end it.
If mercy falls upon the broken and poor, Dear Father,

I will see you, there on distant shores.

Back at this place again. Fear of seeing him from the other side of the void and at the same time hope to see him as we approach from the darkness of this life.

And off of the blocks, I was headstrong and proud,

at the front of the line for the card-carring, highbrowed.

Who as a child or teenage doesn’t have that time of feeling smart enough and strong enough to take on anything? Most continue to carry that through to adult hood. We’re ready to do good and make money and stand at the front of that line. Selfish and blind. Excuse my while I go charge my $100 game boy, my $250 cell phone and put on my $80 pair of jeans. Cha’ Ching’

With both eyes fastened tight, yet unscarred from the fight.

I was blind to the things really wrong with me. I had my eyes closed. I wanted to ignore all those things I’ve all ready admitted to. I wanted to pretend I wasn’t greedy, jealous, a liar, a cheat, a theif and a generally hopeless human being. And yet some how I came through it none the worse for wear.  How can that be? I all ready know I cant justify this life I have on my won. I couldnt pay enough to make life worth while.

Running at full tilt, my sword pulled from it’s hilt.

I get this funny image in my head of standing there with a sword. Ready to attack something or some one and there is nothing to attack. The enemy as it were. This great fight I felt I had to go through to earn my life.
Its funny how these things can slip away, our frail deeds,

To desire such a costly thing as life and to find I didn’t have to fight for it. To have been trying to do things to justify life. To justify things I did. To have a reason. Fairl deeds that are worthless and pointless. Things that had no fulfillment.

the last will wave good-bye. Its funny how the hope will bleed away,

the citadels we build and fortify. Good-bye.

That cocky child hood and teenage years all eventually fell apart. For me it was early. For many it is not. Depending on how deep the trenches and motes and walls are built it may take years. Regardless there is no place we can hide from this deep evil blackness and brokeness that will ultimately consume us. We will lose hope and what then?

Night came and I broke my stride, I swallowed hard, but never cried.

I knew I was broken. I knew I had problems. I knew I was in a bad place and yet some how that pride, that evil sinful pride, would not allow me to cry out to who I knew was the truth and who had that life I desired. How stupid was I?

When grace was easy to forget, I’d denounce the hypocrites, casting first stones, killing my own.

I was with out grace. I would go through the motions of being a Christian. Of claiming to know a god. I would denounce those I felt were at fault. I would not associate with those who claimed to Christ because they had faults. Again stuck in that night. Failling to see my own errors. My own hypocrisy.

You would unscale my blind eyes,

The only way I could see what I was doing was through Jesus, God, opening my eyes. Letting me see, via his working through others, that I was being the hypocrite. That I was being stupid and ugly. That I was hurting people I loved. Peopel who also love the same God who saw fit to save me from certain death.

and I stood battered, but more wise, fighting to accelerate, shaking free from crippling weight.

At last some light to move towards. It wasnt easy. It still isnt easy to move forward. To continue to go after life that God saw fit to let me have.

With resilience surpassed, I clawed my way to you at last. And on my knees, I wept at your feet, I finally believed, that you still loved me.

It’s humbling. Its hard to have to admit that he’s loved us all along. To accept that he never stopped. That doesn’t make sense. Why would any one love such a misserable human being like my self?

Healing hands of God’s mercy on our unclean souls once again,

Mercy is the only explination. He had mercy on us. That unexplainable caring for some one else despite the nonsensicle nature of it. It’s not logical. It’s not measurable. He healed my broken heart. He patched up my life. I have no choice but to believe that he is who he is. To show to every one what he has done in my life as an evidence of his existance and Love for us.
Jesus Christ, Light of the world, burning bright within our hearts forever.

Jesus Christ, God of all, puts a bright warm light in our hearts. In our evil dark hearts. It makes a change. Its visible in my own life by admission of friends and family. You want proof of his existance look at my entire life. See the difference. Talk to my family. They were there through my darkness. They kept me from trying to take my life on more than one occasion. Ask my friends they did the same.
Freedom means love without condition without beginning or an end. Here’s my heart let it be forever yours.

The freedom I found in Gods love for me by sending his son Jesus as a sacrafice for my sins. Some one else to die so I wouldn’t have to. The sin in my life brought on that darkness and me letting Jesus, God, take it away. Letting him have it is what saved me. He loved me so much he did that for me and every one else on this planet. Believeing that he took those things and letting him have them is the only way to find that light and warmth that he gives us in our heart. Thank you Lord Jesus for that. My heart is forever yours.

only you can make every new day seem so new.

Pretty self explanitory. Every new day seems new and bright and worth living only because he is there in my heart and in my life. Will you please give up your sins to him. Let him take those dark things that threaten to permenantly and forever break you?

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